The good news? There are only ten more days of National Blog Posting Month, which means we don’t have to scrimmage on those busy days and scrape together a meaningful enough post. For me, this has most certainly been a challenge, especially when my whole life, I’ve reserved my words for the important moments. I speak only when I find it necessary, which elevates the power of what I have to say. I do the same with my writing (blog, poetry, publications). I always put my heart and soul into everything I write before sharing it because I want to forever write with intention. With purpose. With value. This space is not an extension of my diary (yes, I call it diary, not journal because I’ve never been ashamed of diaries—and I’ve had all the different types over the years: the ones with manual locks, the voice activated locks of the early 2000s, no locks, engraved, and more). This space is a platform I want to use for change, for the greater good, until I am no longer able to write (which may be at 67, if you were following along with my posts this month). So on long days, when I was sleep deprived, overloaded with job one, and job two, and class one, and class two, and class three, and suddenly it was 10:35 p.m. and I hadn’t written a thing for my blog, I felt frustrated, but I pushed through the challenge and worked hard to ensure I at least published something and something meaningful enough. I hope I’ve done us all justice.
The bad news? There are only ten more days of National Blog Posting Month, and a part of me is afraid when December 1st rolls around, I could possibly fall back into the slump I was in before this month. As exhausting as some days have been with securing a post, I always felt gratitude that I got to exercise my writer muscles beyond work, school, and poetry. I am a writer first and foremost, poet second, and third everything else. In a pre November post, I shared a little bit about this slump and touched on how last year’s male “allies/friends” played a significant role in marginalizing my voice. Making my existence feel deeply obsolete. Some part of that still resonates.
And when I tried to find women allies, I looked at the fact that I had 6k+ social media connections with less than 15% actually supporting anything I’ve ever done. I have come to the conclusion that I’m not burned out, I’m fed up. It’s part of why I deleted social media last December. And while I tried to return this month to match the relaunch of my blog, I decided to close it again. I want to go back to writing the way I used to write before social media. I want to go back to finding ways to be seen without likes, superficial comments, and empty connections. I want to write with such fierce courage I could not care less which person is offended by the truth that needs to be said.
It hurts to admit that the male peers and friends I had last year actually affected me enough into silence, but it hurts even more to know that women are worse advocates of sexism and patriarchy. Because when we really need them to step up, far too many are afraid of their own reputations as potential wives and mothers being tainted by standing up for their rights. That’s why the only times I got likes and support is when I posted “airhead” like things on social media. Or pictures from photo shoots I was a part of. Or comedic posts about my mom or cat. It was amazing how many men rolled in my DMs at that point telling me how much cuter and approachable I appeared now. How I should consider sticking to modeling and cosmetic tutorials (which I’d never done) as opposed to the serious work I post—you know, like awareness of domestic violence as a survivor, recovering from and supporting rape victims as a survivor, odes to the one and only man who fought thick and thin for me (my dad), or awareness projects about Syria, my homeland still under oppression more than a decade later. Oh, and lest I forget, my most abhorrent posts calling out sexism, double standards, and the patriarchy.
This is where my gratitude for faith comes in. I may not be the most religious girl on the block, but I do believe in God—His plan, His power, and His will. I am proud of the woman I have become and am becoming. I am proud of what I create, what I dream, and what I chase. And as long as I feel like God’s giving me the green light, He will protect my path and promote me in His own way. My words, be they during daily challenge posts or monthly shares, will make their way to where they need to be.
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